Motivation Inspiration

I’ve been struck with a lethal dose of procrastination. Why yes, it’s the very same procrastination that has been preventing me from writing this post. I know the irony here.

Instead of rambling on about how lazy I’ve been feeling, why don’t I give you some context on how this all came about. At the beginning of the self-isolation period, I was actually extremely motivated to accomplish many new hobbies. Unlike everyone else, I didn’t feel the need to bake bread or learn a new instrument. If I’m going to be honest, both of those tasks sound incredibly daunting, and I would be terrible at doing either one. Instead, I wanted to focus on maintaining my daily exercise, doing more reading (more often audiobooks), and maintaining a positive mindset. Well, I did start out really strong, but that motivation and excitement dwindled very rapidly. I guess the closest analogy that I can think of in my science brain would be looking at a transitional state of a rate reaction in chemistry. I’m stuck in this transitional state between initiating the task I want to complete and finishing the task at hand. I simply lack the necessary activation energy to reach the product.

I’m just going to apologize in advance for that crappy analogy. Still, in layman’s term, it’s the feeling of mental and physical exhaustion to do any tasks. Even the slightest effort enervates you. This has been happening throughout March and April, but I could not figure out why I felt this way. Why did gravity feel so much heavier? Why did every breath of air require more effort to inspire? Why did I lose so much weight? (It was not COVID-19 in case that’s what you were thinking). Just like in the movies, I suddenly had an epiphany moment while I was walking Armie… Oh shit, I’m depressed. It all clicked and made sense (well as much as my reptilian brain could comprehend). Could it be that the procrastination was a precursor symptom of my anxiety and triggering my depression? I have no clue since I’m not a clinician. From experience, I can say that it is genuinely terrifying to feel all of your motivation in life drained out of your body. All that is left is a hollowed essence. At this point in the journey, I often find it easier to hide behind a facade and pretend everything is okay. It is simply easier to hide from the reality of things because it is less painful to not face your emotions.

Trapped in My Apartment

I started to lose all sense of motivation and I simply sat on the couch all day. One of my coping mechanisms was to make weird faces to try and make myself laugh.

What I've realized was that I've actually been conditioned to repress all talks of mental health issues. In a Chinese household, growing up, any claims regarding sadness or depression were quickly dismissed. Like all other illnesses, my parents believed I was too 热气 (yeet hay). Okay, okay, that was more of a joke. But nonetheless, any forms of talks about my mental health are often disregarded if it was ever talked about in the first place. I'm sure this lack of communication isn't uniquely Chinese or Asian (although way too common in Asian cultures). However, growing up, I always thought that my parents just didn't understand me because of the generation gap or 代沟 (dai gou) in Chinese. Perhaps they didn't have the mental lexicon for terms like anxiety or depression spectrum. And I don't blame them because it's likely they were conditioned to not talk about it. Now that I am talking about this "taboo" subject, I feel like Elsa from Frozen. I'm totally having a Let it Go moment (yes, I was singing Let it Go as I was writing this).

What was the cause and trigger for depleted motivation and depression? Well, I think it's a culmination of things. For one, self-isolating/ quarantine has caused a lot of harm to my mental health. Yes, while I'm sure it allowed many people to explore new hobbies, a long duration of solitary confinement is absolute torture. Another factor was the uncertainty of the situation. At the time, no one knew what this pandemic was going to look like. Were we expected to stay isolated for a week, a month, or a year? That uncertainty and lack of perceived control in my life created this feeling of helplessness. As the duration of quarantine continued, it only solidified the learned helplessness. I'm sure there are many more factors at play, and I don't necessarily know what they may be. However, I am more cognizant of the signs and symptoms of anxiety and/or depression going forward.

You're probably thinking: "this is some depressing ass material Tyler, give us some remedies!" Well, funny enough, my friend/ coworker, Melanie, and I recently discussed how to address and combat signs of depression. For one, realizing that you are not okay and that you are, in fact, depressed is an essential first step. Most importantly, you are not alone.

Here’s my conversation (condensed) with Melanie:

Melanie: “I find it so hard sometimes to be honest to myself about what is going on with me”

Tyler: “it always kinda sneaks up on you, I’ve been depressed many times before but it still takes me a while to realize it. when you’re going through it, your mind is in a different state”

Melanie: “it's so hard to talk about it! And also if you start mentioning to people who haven't gone through it, you realize pretty rapidly”

Tyler: “for a long time I thought I was the only one dealing with this because no one talks about it. I thought I was the weirdo”

Melanie: “you're not a weirdo, you are not alone!”

Apart from realizing that you are not okay and that you are not alone, you can also try to remove yourself from the stressor or place of stress. For me, that was to leave Philly because the stress of isolation was causing psychological and physical harm. And you know what, you deserve a damn break! If you want to drink wine and enjoy the beautiful California sun, you should do that without feeling bad for taking time to enjoy and heal yourself. Okay, I may have projected a little on that last bit but you get the idea. But in all seriousness, if you ever feel stress or depressed, know that you are never alone. People can be ignorant sometimes but I promise you there are many others going through similar stress and understand the struggle. Reaching out and talking to someone takes so much courage. If you’re reading this and you know someone struggling with anxiety or depression, never pressure them to talk or dismiss/ undermine their experiences. Be alert, be receptive, and reach out when appropriate. Humans are not designed to be alone. We all need someone to talk to from time to time.

Stay Alert and Stay Healthy

Until next time!