Won’t you stay with me?

I try so hard to find the right words to describe the way I feel, but everything I feel at the moment is ineffable. I have come to terms with the fact that J*** will one day be leaving. I wish I had better ways to express how much I will miss him and how much it will hurt to lose him. I wish we had more time to find out all the what-ifs. Every sad song I hear seems to do the trick, but that only feeds into this growing anxiety of loss. Sometimes words aren’t enough to show all the love and sorrow that I have built up. I decided that I would paint a portrait of J*** because painting is the only way I can show what he means to me. Though I have a tendency to paint when I lose someone I love. Perhaps it’s my way of processing heartbreaks.

We talk maybe twenty times a day, but I still never get to say what I want to say. I want to ask all these questions about what this relationship means, but I know it’s unfair to project my insecurities onto you. With each growing day, our conversations only give me false hope that you’ll stay with me. On those lonely nights when you’re not next to me, it feels like a part of me is absent. Waking up and seeing your smile sets the stage for the rest of my day. I can’t help but smile when I’m next to you. I feel so alive when we hold hands and walk. I only wish these seconds can last a little while longer. I think about your lips and the way they kiss. Every kiss goodbye feels like the last with you. There is so much I really miss about you already.

The more time I spend with you, the harder it is to say goodbye. Your smell lingers on my clothes even after we are apart. It’s hard to find a part of me that you didn’t touch. Saying goodbye at this point is a burning agony. I could get drunk, but it will never be enough. I want to spend every possible minute with you to make up for the times that I will not be with you. Even the mundane moments I spent with you today have brought me nothing but happiness. Our trip to the winery was the most fun I’ve had in a long while because you were sitting next to me. You had your cowboy boots on, and we were listening to some country music. I held your hand while you were driving, and I looked at the sunny sky. You asked me why I was smiling, and I didn’t know the answer at the moment. But now I know you’re the reason why.

I never knew that love could be that strong. I didn’t know I could miss someone so much. I don’t think I can ever forget about you. Though we will be many miles apart, I know we will both be okay. I want nothing but happiness for you, and this next chapter will give you that. But let me be your happiness for these moments in between. When the time comes to say goodbye, I don’t know if I will be brave. But I will promise to smile for you as I give you one last wave.

Indulge me in one last selfish thought, J***. Won’t you stay with me?