Season 1, Episode 1

A (somewhat) quick recap before we start.

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I started dating around in 2018, right after college. It was a time in which I felt free and on my own. I wanted to explore what it is like to start dating and casual hookups. In the beginning, it was terrifying because I had to put myself out there to the world. I was insecure about how I looked, and I was trepidatious about physical interactions with others. But for whatever reason, I still put myself out there because I wanted to experience what it was like to be loved. The thought of someone finding me attractive was ludicrous, and I was sure no one would want to date or be with me. But my confidence slowly developed over time, and I engaged in more licentious behaviors. In layman’s terms, I was a big ol’ slut.

I went on dates and slept with many people, and it was a thrill. I had never explored my promiscuous side until then, so all the initial thrills felt as though I had taken a load of amphetamine. There comes a time when all the highs turn to lows with any stimulants. I have liked/ loved/ (I can’t think of a word between like and love), but none of the situations worked out. Perhaps I was (and still am) naive, but I was 21 when all this started in my defense. Every person I have met only wanted the sex but none of the other components. And truly, I have only ever romantically liked/ loved/ (and a word between like and love) a handful of people. Every one of these individuals either ended up being uninterested in me, emotionally unavailable and/or did not want a relationship but still wants (as the kids would say) to smash. You can see why I thought I was unlovable for the longest time, right? I am not crazy, I promise.

To break it down further, there are only two individuals from the past that I still like and care for a great about. Although it didn’t work out (because of the aforementioned reasons why men are not interested in me), I am thankful that we are still good friends. This shift in dynamic didn’t happen overnight, of course. There was so much emotional damage on my end, and I am still trying to amend those damages to this day. However, it does help that these individuals are no longer geographically near me, which is pertinent to the healing process.

To Be Loved.

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Present Day. 

I can’t believe it has been 4 years since this entanglement (more like clusterfuck) has started. I thought I had moved forward with the A*** situation, but if I am being honest, I am still hoping for the day I get to see him again. The feelings never changed. I have no resentment towards him and only want him to live up to his needs/ desires. We still talk every now and then. The conversations come so naturally, as though we can talk for hours on end. There are no limits as to what we talk about. But, the fact is, we will never have the relationship that I want and desire. Our wants and needs just do not align. Part of me knows that keeping him around only makes it that much harder for me to move past this.

 Like most things, history tends to repeat itself. So naturally, I run into the same conundrum with J***. In January, I built up enough courage to finally address the situation. The conversation went as I had imagined. I declared my feelings again and told him what I wanted and needed. His counter-response was something along the lines of “I do not like living with others, and I do not like changing my routine for others. I do not necessarily see myself ending up with anyone.” What was there left to say after hearing that response? He got exactly what he had wanted, but I was left to deal with the internal turmoil. The irony in all this is that we still talk every day as if all was well. Story of my life, right?

I wrote non-stop in the past about these two men I liked/ loved/ (and a word between like and love). It was the only way to get through the emotions that flooded my brain. I stopped writing about the mishaps of dating when I turned 25. I just could not bring myself to write more about the same feelings repeatedly. At some point, it became so meaningless because my written words and thoughts would never change the situation. With the new year, I genuinely prayed and hoped to do better. I just felt so defeated when I knew that things were the same. Every day since the new year, I have been distracting myself with anything and everything just to avoid addressing this topic. It is like telling myself an excellent lie to avoid having to cry myself to sleep at night. But now, I slowly realize that I am once again masking the depression inside. I am once again putting on a facade to masquerade everything wrong inside of me. I think the depression is slowly coming back to the surface. The Wellbutrin was helping for a while, but drugs can only take you so far. A part of me just wants to hit the reset button because I feel all alone again.

The obvious answer here is to completely cut out these two people and move on. Unfortunately, it is very much one of those situations where it is easier said than done. I think the problem is that I want to hold onto the last shreds of hope because the next steps are uncertain. It is comfortable and familiar to grasp onto what I already know. Are the situations ideal? Most certainly not!

I am sorry that I lied to the people around, though. Every day I wake up, I am on autopilot just to get through the motion of the day. If I have even a few seconds to feel the buried emotions, I don’t think I will make it through the day. I have been trying hard to distract myself with planning work, travel trips, making cocktails, and happy hours with others. Now that I am really thinking about it, I am doing all this to show people that I am doing okay. I do not know how okay I really am because many of the underlying issues have never been resolved.

In January, I was at a very low point during my New Orleans trip. That was around the time J*** and I had the talk. To make matters worse, the person who was supposed to go on the trip with me canceled the day before leaving. So, I ended up going on the trip alone. More alone time was the last thing I needed, let alone staying in a new city by myself. I counted the days until I could leave because I felt pathetic walking down Bourbon Street alone while everyone around me was having a blast. So, I lied to everyone who asked about my trip. I pretended that I was happy and that the solo trip was a great time. At some point, it is easier to lie than to explain myself.

 I genuinely enjoy making and learning about cocktails. But the other component to the story is that I am using alcohol to drown the feelings. Every day after work, I would drink 2-3 cocktails until I felt tipsy. Because the second work is over, I start thinking about all the problems again. These days, I only have work and alcohol in mind. A moment of sobriety means that I must face reality for what it is. There are days when I go out with others for happy hours, but the same mentality applies. I drink until I do not feel or care. I wish I had a clear sense of direction going forward, but I simply do not. This is the whole story of my alliance with alcohol.

Even with all this happening behind the scenes, I think I will be okay. I feel as though life is like a sitcom. Every episode and season contains a set of problems, but there will always be a resolution. And that is why this exists, for me to document the events as they unravel.

I wonder what is in the next episode.