He’s Dating Around

I got to say, catching feelings is almost as scary as catching an STD.

Okay, maybe not to the same degree, but catching feelings for someone you shouldn’t is definitely up there. I’m honestly not sure how much details I should share with everyone. I have a tendency to overshare my dating/ hooking-up mishaps. I tend to find myself in many interesting “entanglements” (AKA, a better word for absolute fuckery). Well, let’s dive in, shall we?

I have never really dated around during college or high school. It wasn’t because I was shy or anything (maybe a little), I just really liked being by myself. Growing up in an Asian household, you are told to only focus on school and grades. Now that I’m older, I do see my parent’s intentions behind that sentiment. It wasn’t until I was 21/ 22 years old when I first really started seeking relationships/ hook up culture. Before that, I simply wasn’t interested in being with another human being. I mean, I’ve been doing okay on my own, so why bring in another person into my life? But something in me quickly changed after I graduated from college. I was 21 years old when I was on my own for the first time, and I had a lot of things to figure out in my life. I didn’t really have a sense of direction in life. It was a scary time, let alone putting yourself out into the dating world. Seeing my friends and people around me getting into relationships certainly pushed me to explore the hype of romance. So I went along with this new sense of exploration.

Growing up, I’ve had crushes on girls and guys. The earliest recount of a crush was when I was in 5th grade ( around 9 years old), and it was on this girl named Julie. I just remembered feeling nervous around her and wanting to spend time with her. I doubt she knew of my crush, nor would she had even cared. At the end of it all, I pretty much lost interest in that crush as soon I moved on to the 6th grade. Throughout growing up, I also had lots of crushes on guys that I meet. I never really acted on those feelings because I didn’t fully understand what I was feeling. I would catch myself wanting to be around that person more and more before realizing I was falling for that person. Many of these crushed were ephemeral in nature, and those feelings tend to go away. I was still trying to figure out my own identity and combating my own internalized homophobia. It wouldn’t have been fair to be with someone while still trying to understand myself. The last thing I wanted to be was a burden. As an aside, guys are weird in general (including me). Trying to find out how that guy feels about you is like taking an organic chemistry final exam.

Love Yourself

I paint the way I feel, a little proud and a little annoyed. But I’ll be okay.

The next crush that I vividly remember was during my freshman year of college. I was taking an intro course to neuroscience. During the first lab dissection, I was partnered up with this other girl (let’s name her Diana). I remember crushing on Diana really hard because I would deliberately walk with her back to the dorms (we lived in the same building). We exchanged phone numbers during the second lab session, and we just texted non-stop. I remember getting that stupid looking grin on my face because I was so happy hearing from her. We would talk about the most random things like TV shows. I was really into ‘Bones’ at the time, and so was Diana. She recommended this show called ‘Psych,’ and it’s still one of my favorite shows. This went on for a while until winter break, we slowly drifted apart. We didn’t really text each other anymore, and that momentary entanglement ebbed away. At the time, I was pretty devastated that things didn’t work out, and around that same time, I unconsciously moved on to mainly crushing on guys. Did a full 180, crazy (#DuaLipa)

From then on, I pretty much only found interest in guys, and I was simply more attracted to men in general. Guess that makes me hella gay. C’est la vie, mon ami(e). With that said, I didn't act on those feelings until much later. Oh boy, when I turned 21, something in me just innately changed, and I came to terms with who I am. I lost inhibition and just decided to start hookup with guys left and right. I was a loyal customer to Grindr, Bumble, Tinder, Hornet, Hinge, and etc. I wish they have a loyalty program because I would've racked up plenty of points. I wasn't looking for a relationship because I just wanted to have fun and explore. As my friends would call me, I was a big ol' slut and I was proud. It was indeed an exciting time because everything was so new to me, and I just always wanted more attention.

Just working on my fitness, where’s my witness?

This is what the kids nowadays call a Thirst Trap.

With all the highs, you also get the lows. Those lows struck me pretty hard last year. Somewhere along with the constant hookups, I was losing bits of myself to the loneliness that came with one-night stands. I was mentally/ physically exhausted and a bit disgusted with myself. After a one-night stand, I would find myself physically alone in my bed and mentally sitting in a corner in my mind. Over time, I just wanted someone to stay with me. I finally understood what Sam Smith meant in his song. Maybe I'm just terrible at one-night stands. It's not just the loneliness that hurts but the rejections that you face as well. There would be so many times when I would catch feelings for a guy I hooked up with, and 99% of the time, it is not reciprocated. That unrequited love is so hard to bear, and it makes me feel like a fool sometimes. At some point, I started to get really depressed and stopped with the one-night stands. I was petrified of the rejections and scared to be lonely. 

Taking a break from men was surprisingly easy and almost liberating. I really needed a break after what happened with this guy (let's name him J***- it's not his name obviously, but it does start with a J). Dear J***, if you're reading this, thank you for ghosting me, and I hope we don't meet again. I'll give a quick synopsis of the entanglement: J*** and I met on Grindr, started talking, and had a genuine conversation. We went on a date to a place called Loco Pez. We went back to his apartment and spent the night. We started seeing each other pretty frequently. I wasn't sure what this entanglement encompassed; was it an actual relationship or just friends with benefit? I honestly didn't know at the time and still don't know to this day. He definitely led me on but never gave me a definitive sign of what all of it meant. After three months of seeing each other, I suddenly became chopped liver because I never heard from him again. Oh, and he blocked me on all social media. J***, you, my friend, are an asshole. When all was (not) said and done, I was just done with all the heartbreaks. From the wise words of Taylor Swift: I forgot that you existed, and it was so nice.

The True Romantic Type

Someday my prince will come… or so Snow White says

It took a few months before I even allowed myself to start this whole vicious cycle of dating/ hooking up again. I did end up meeting a really great guy (let’s call him Andy) later that year. But that’s a story for another time.

Don’t catch feelings and don’t catch STDs.

Until next time!