Sh*t That I Learned in College

This post won’t be so much of what I learned in a classroom, but more so of my personal growth during my time at the University of Pennsylvania (Penn). Although, if people are interested, I can talk about neuroscience and all that other fun biology stuff. Though, I doubt anyone would want to be tortured like that. Let’s dive right in!

At the time of applying to college, I actually didn’t even know what Penn was or Ivy Leagues for that matter (excuse my ignorance). It was honestly just a random school that I had applied to and got in. Growing up in California, everyone applied to UC schools, such as Berkeley (Cal) or UCLA or the other 7 UC schools. In my case, I applied to all the UC schools because my parents really wanted me to go to Cal. The funny thing (well, it’s funny now after 6 years later, but at the time it was pretty sad) is I got into all the UC schools except Cal. However, I have already received an acceptance offer from Penn. Well, upon some much need research, I found out Penn was an excellent school, and they gave me a lot of financial aid. Right then and there, I decided I was going to Penn. Also, don’t feel bad for me about not getting into Cal. My sister went there for undergrad. So I still technically got some connection to Cal. Plus, I got to gloat to everyone in my family about going to a fancy private school. Before I started at Penn, I had to do a lot of research on what the school is all about. I really wanted to expand my scientific knowledge. When I found out that there was an undergraduate program, I pretty much decided that I wanted to major in neuroscience.

Weird Flex But Okay

I like to show off my brain pic

Yes, it’s a MRI image of my brain… GORGEOUS

I started out as an enthusiastic kid ready to learn science. But during my first semester, that quickly changed as I was not prepared for the intensity that is Penn. Let’s just say I got my ass handed to me by Penn because I realized I was very underprepared by my high school. I took on 5 courses, 3 of which were science courses. I did not do well at all in those courses because I barely passed. I only got Bs and Cs from all my classes during the first semester. I would go as far as to say, everything that could go wrong went wrong. I honestly thought I was the epitome of failure. How did I go from all As in high school to a C average student? Coming into Penn, I thought I was hot shit, but I was so wrong.

Everyone at Penn was 100 times better than me, and I was at the bottom of that list. At the time, I was seriously thinking about transferring out of Penn. I was a failure at Penn, but I knew I could not survive long in this competitive (cutthroat) nature amongst all these other students. On top of feeling inadequate, I was seriously homesick because everyone I knew was 2,500 miles away. The cumulation of all this led me to a downward spiral towards depression. As an aside, Penn is very incompetent at handling student mental health. I’m sure this is true for many schools out there, but keep in mind Penn does have the financial resources to allocate funding towards mental health services. There have been way too many cases of student suicide in recent years. Still, Penn has not fully acknowledged the detriment of the toxic undergraduate culture and the lack of consistent mental health services.

You know what they say about guys with flexibility…

They can kick your face in a Taekwondo match, and be killer in the bedroom

For whatever reason, I didn’t end up transferring out of Penn. I guess Jesus took the wheel on this one because I somehow persevered and made it somewhat intact. During that first semester, I got really depressed to the point where I stayed in my dorm room. I didn’t want to do anything besides go to class or eat at the dining halls. I slowly dropped all my extracurricular activities and stopped hanging out with people. I didn’t really make any friends because I didn’t think I deserved friends. I would run into people on my way to class, and they would ask why I haven’t gone to taekwondo practice or why we haven’t hung out. Of course, I pretended everything was okay because no one would understand what I was dealing with. I couldn’t tell people I was depressed or that I was a failure, I could barely tell myself that. I would make up some excuse and joke to people that I’m just hibernating for the winter. But saying those empty words made me feel so hollow. I just put on a facade and lied to people to their faces. I was exhausted from all of it, and I felt so trapped and alone in this hell.

Poster Shenanigans

Did some science and showed some pretty images

I did eventually get better after going home for winter break that year. Still, those same feelings followed me throughout those undergrad years. It wasn’t until the summer before I started my junior year did I finally started to feel normal at Penn. Up till this point, I was absolutely miserable. No matter what, deep down, I was not happy. I started out this journey as a happy go-getter ready to learn, but somewhere along the way, I just lost myself and forgot what made me happy. I forced myself to be premed because everyone that majored in sciences was a premed student. I didn’t realize it at the time, but I was peer pressured to do what other people around me were doing. I wasn’t doing the things that were making me happy. I was doing whatever it takes to assimilate myself as a cutthroat premed student. At the time, I was so myopic and believed that if I am not going to medical school, I will not succeed in life. Spoiler alert, it didn’t work out. I’ve only recently learned which direction I want to take in life, and I doubt I will ever fully figure out my purpose in life.

That summer, I discovered that I really enjoyed drawing and painting. This was something that I’ve never explored because I was fixated on studying science. So the following semester, I signed up for a drawing class and a painting class. I was by no means excellent or talented, but heck, I enjoy the hell out of those classes. For the first time in my college years, I enjoyed a course and wasn’t made to feel like a failure. I was able to express myself in art because there was no wrong way to show creativity and personality. I didn’t have to worry about grades from midterms or final exams. There was no rigid structure in learning. I was able to dedicate myself to working on art projects and produce something that I was proud of for the first time. I continued to explore art (i.e., photography, painting, drawing, pottery, and etc.) throughout the last two years of college. By the time I graduate, I ended up having enough credits to minor in fine arts. I know this sounds dramatic, but art saved me.

Summer of Epiphany

I found out I enjoy drawing naked models

I know I get stuck in my head a lot, but when I took a step back from the chaos, I was happy again. I learned to stop comparing myself to those around me. I was so profoundly poisoned by the toxicity, and I desperately needed an antidote. I was able to find that remedy through art. I felt liberated and happy again. I started to crawl out of my depressive cocoon and was able to thrive again. I made friends, and I did well in classes. For the first time, I felt like I was truly living and experiencing college. If I could time travel back in time to give myself advice, I would tell myself to not buy into the premed BS and stop trying to be someone I’m not. (I would probably also warn my past self about the dark year of 2020). There will always be someone better than you in life, and I should never change my identity to become something I am not. It is a toxic facade, and it is unhealthy.

*Advice to future-self: Never compromise your own happiness and self-worth to become something you are not. 

That’s all, folks! Hope this didn’t come off as too preachy.

Until next time!